February 18, 2018
Be still and know, I am not alone in my thoughts. I am wholely interconnected with all, I see fear in my Mom, and so I know I feel fear in me. The fear stops me, I remember what Davene said on the call tonight. Oh yes, I have picked Option 1 so many times, when I stumble, I run and hide, I quit growing, and living. It all is based on my own fear of being hurt and humiliated beyond all repair. Irrational as is sounds my old blueprint has nursed, rehearsed and cursed that pain until it defined me and I unwttingly let my fear imprison me into becoming a victim. For the past 12 years and that is a hell of a long time, I have choosen to be alone and isolated, convincing myself that my life is easier, less complicated. Ha, my life is still filled with the same trauma and chaos, just dressed in a different variable than a bad marriage. I am applying what I have learned here at MKMMA and choosing Option 3. Slowly, it is not happening over night, first I have chosen to gather information, for a long time, without applying it. Now to choose to apply it. What is that going to look like? I engage first, give love first. I have to be mindful to do this. I am reminded of a young man who fell in step with me walking to work the other day. I was aware of him but did’t look at him, until I heard “Would you like to see my unicorn onesy?” Normally I would eye him suspiciously, but I was so caught off guard, I burst out laughing and said”Sure.” When I think of that moment, I smile no barriers just two strangers connecting over laughter and silliness. This is the clue, give of what you have in the moment and expect nothing in return, and the universe will do the connecting for you. Yikes another aha moment.
February 6, 2018
Last week, my father was taken by ambulance from the nursing home to the hospital, after being admitted for over seven days and a multitude of test they have no answers, for the partial paralysis, or the inability to chew, speak, stand or walk(transfer from bed to wheelchair). They are administering morphine on a schedule, but no diagnosis, means I have to pace and wait. Wait, think positive, all will work out for our good. Believe it. Keep saying it out loud with enthusiasm.
I hold his hand and look at his tiny face, he peers back like a small child and tonight he said:” Will you come back and rescue me.” I said, “Yes, I will!”
He can speak, thank you, thank you, Lord, he is making a comeback.
My world is suddenly very bright.
February 4, 2018
I am reminded of how our lives and MKMMA interwind to be the match of our own life Super Bowl, who will win our old blueprint or the new version of me.
So let’s say the old blueprint is the New England Patriots, going for an embedded way of life from those old habits, or the Philly Eagles the new shiny version of me, the winner of the ( ME) super bowl.
My strategy, Og( 3 times a day) flashing index cards, colored shapes, exercise, blueprint builder, the Nightengale, the sits, I have a plan on how to win. Trophy held high in the air as I sail the Napali Coast. I did it.
Those pesky habits from my past trying to sack my quarterback. Peptides jumping all over the field, fans screaming, the temptation is mounting, so do I throw a hail mary pass and hope for the catch of a lifetime.
No, I take control, I am disciplined, with unbridled enthusiasm, I march down that field with calculated well thought out plays, and kick those old habits in the butt. I am dancing like a fool in the end zone of life, I WIN!
January 28, 2018
I have just finished Jan Arden’s book “Feeding my Mother.”
The struggle to be patient and kind, while looking after elderly parents with dementia, diabetes, congestive heart failure, arthritis and other milder ailments, well it is hard.
Jan seems to know my struggles, I can relate to losing my patience with my Mom and when I sit still and reflect, well it all boils down to fear, it is like being flattened by a boulder rolling down a mountain.
Time for reflection, the sits, my thoughts are powerful, the determine how my day will be, my sits will now be in the morning, so I can train my brain on how the future of that day will be, starting with gratefulness to have the opportunity and honor to look after my parents. A shift in perspective. The better version of me is emerging, I cannot cheat the gal in the glass out of the better version of me, I really don’t want heartache and tears, because I didn’t fully engage.
I am listening to the noise machine, the setting is the crashing of Hawaiian waves, I think of the question “What would the person I intend to be, do next.” The answer, she will engage like never before, and she will meet her future self in Kauai this June.
January 7, 2018
The new season of my life. The administrator of my Dad care and helping my Mom deal with the transfer of her beloved husband of almost 70 years to a nursing home the day after my birthday. What a ball of emotions, I am crying as I write this post, but this is the only time I can be a daughter and grieve. In conversations, with medical staff, I must be together. We discuss changes in medication, around the clock nursing care, a DNR orders, my heart is in my stomach. I remain stone-faced so my Mom has a shoulder to lean on, only when I am at home, I sob like a child at the thought of loosing my Dad. Today we are bringing my birthday celebration dinner to the hospital, I will have my birthday with my Dad for the last time.