March 11, 2018
There are some things which cannot be learned quickly, and time, which is all we have, must be paid heavily for their acquiring. They are the very simplest things and because it takes a man’s life to know them the little new that each man gets from life is very costly and the only heritage he has to leave. -Ernest Hemingway
The sit is a gift and it unfolds deeper with time and practice, I am acquiring more peace by investing the time.
I observe, people, flowers, stars, and wonder in amazement on how all this is given freely to me in abundance. The sit gives me a silence that clarifies my mind the focus becomes all I see, as I roll back the thoughts to the beginning and replay it in my mind. My life, long ago filled with wretchedness, now improving to become the new me.
As the plain truth opens boldly in front of my eyes, I take 100% responsibility for all of it.
February 28, 2018
The person I intend to be, well she would be elegantly confident, taking time to make decisions. So I am quietly thinking, no rash unthought out crazy decisions.
This week I almost bought a new house and sold my summer spot on the lake, for a short-sighted temporary challenge, old blueprint had a pop-up. My thought was to buy a home that would work for my mom and myself. I was also going to retire and take full-time care of my mother.
I am thinking of solutions, do I have my mother live with me, quite a challenge to take on. Do I place her in a nursing home with my Dad? After my Dad leaves us, she will be living with strangers. She loves her little apartment with the sunny balcony. So today, I turned down the offer of a room in the same nursing home with my Dad. Now I have been taken off the lists and can not reapply for 12 weeks. But, I am feeling at peace, I haven’t solved a thing. I now have time to breathe, think, sit and meditate, wait for the truth to reveal itself. It is within me to find the answer. World within is my world without.
February 18, 2018
Be still and know, I am not alone in my thoughts. I am wholely interconnected with all, I see fear in my Mom, and so I know I feel fear in me. The fear stops me, I remember what Davene said on the call tonight. Oh yes, I have picked Option 1 so many times, when I stumble, I run and hide, I quit growing, and living. It all is based on my own fear of being hurt and humiliated beyond all repair. Irrational as is sounds my old blueprint has nursed, rehearsed and cursed that pain until it defined me and I unwttingly let my fear imprison me into becoming a victim. For the past 12 years and that is a hell of a long time, I have choosen to be alone and isolated, convincing myself that my life is easier, less complicated. Ha, my life is still filled with the same trauma and chaos, just dressed in a different variable than a bad marriage. I am applying what I have learned here at MKMMA and choosing Option 3. Slowly, it is not happening over night, first I have chosen to gather information, for a long time, without applying it. Now to choose to apply it. What is that going to look like? I engage first, give love first. I have to be mindful to do this. I am reminded of a young man who fell in step with me walking to work the other day. I was aware of him but did’t look at him, until I heard “Would you like to see my unicorn onesy?” Normally I would eye him suspiciously, but I was so caught off guard, I burst out laughing and said”Sure.” When I think of that moment, I smile no barriers just two strangers connecting over laughter and silliness. This is the clue, give of what you have in the moment and expect nothing in return, and the universe will do the connecting for you. Yikes another aha moment.
February 6, 2018
Last week, my father was taken by ambulance from the nursing home to the hospital, after being admitted for over seven days and a multitude of test they have no answers, for the partial paralysis, or the inability to chew, speak, stand or walk(transfer from bed to wheelchair). They are administering morphine on a schedule, but no diagnosis, means I have to pace and wait. Wait, think positive, all will work out for our good. Believe it. Keep saying it out loud with enthusiasm.
I hold his hand and look at his tiny face, he peers back like a small child and tonight he said:” Will you come back and rescue me.” I said, “Yes, I will!”
He can speak, thank you, thank you, Lord, he is making a comeback.
My world is suddenly very bright.
February 4, 2018
I am reminded of how our lives and MKMMA interwind to be the match of our own life Super Bowl, who will win our old blueprint or the new version of me.
So let’s say the old blueprint is the New England Patriots, going for an embedded way of life from those old habits, or the Philly Eagles the new shiny version of me, the winner of the ( ME) super bowl.
My strategy, Og( 3 times a day) flashing index cards, colored shapes, exercise, blueprint builder, the Nightengale, the sits, I have a plan on how to win. Trophy held high in the air as I sail the Napali Coast. I did it.
Those pesky habits from my past trying to sack my quarterback. Peptides jumping all over the field, fans screaming, the temptation is mounting, so do I throw a hail mary pass and hope for the catch of a lifetime.
No, I take control, I am disciplined, with unbridled enthusiasm, I march down that field with calculated well thought out plays, and kick those old habits in the butt. I am dancing like a fool in the end zone of life, I WIN!